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atomic
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# Posted: 22 Mar 2005 19:21
these two are really nice:
A cop pulls over a drunk driver.
The drunk driver says, "Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away yesterday!"
***
A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up."
Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner.
The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?"
The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
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luyanfu
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# Posted: 23 Mar 2005 03:51
Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
sorry ,but who can explain the sentence for me? :p
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pako
Admin
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# Posted: 23 Mar 2005 08:20 Edited by: pako
Load usually means a large quantity of something that is carried by a vehicle, person etc. Here take a load up can be translated as take some people to heaven.
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JohnnyEnglish
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# Posted: 4 Apr 2005 21:24
A man wakes up his wife during the night with a glass of water in one hand and two aspirins in the other.
She asks, "What's this for?"
"This is for your headache," he says.
She replies, "But I don't have a headache."
He smiles and says, "Gotcha!"
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pako
Admin
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# Posted: 4 Apr 2005 22:02
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "I would do... anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."
His voice softens. "Anything?"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"
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vampire
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# Posted: 17 Apr 2005 09:51
Milo is sick. He vomits and sleeps several days, and shows no sign of recovering. He has to see a doctor.
Milo tells a nurse in the admitting office, “I am poor. Can you arrange me into a cheap patient’s room?”
The nurse asks, “Is there nobody who can help you?”
“No. I have only one sister. She is a nun. And she is poor too.”
The nurse answers angrily, “Nun is not poor, because she marries God.”
Milo says, “OK, then arrange me into the best patient’s room. When I recover, you send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
This is a joke I translated from a Chinese source. I look forward you can help me find and correct the mistakes.
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Guest
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# Posted: 19 Apr 2005 20:38
How do we call a guy without a left hand, left leg and without a left ball...?
- Allright
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guiness
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# Posted: 20 Apr 2005 16:02
There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful
town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands.
At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer
companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of
'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a
Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on.
Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink,
and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!
"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.
"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."
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pako
Admin
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# Posted: 20 Apr 2005 18:21
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out. The police were dumbfounded and dispatched an officer to the scene.
However, before the police arrived, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
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Guest
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# Posted: 2 May 2005 04:54
What does "gotcha" mean ?
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pako
Admin
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# Posted: 2 May 2005 08:57
"Gotcha" is an acronym for "got you". Here it means something like "I caught you, now you won't be able to tell me that you've got a headache".
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kobi
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# Posted: 8 May 2005 20:06
It was a hot summer day and two nuns were painting a room in the convent.
As there was no air conditioning the heat soon became unbearable. The first nun said that they should remove their clothes so that they would be cooler.
The second said what if someone should come?
The first said we'll lock the door and then we will be safe. So they lock the door and continue painting when there is a knock on the door.
The first nun asks who it is and the reply comes back "It is the blind man."
The two nuns confer and decide that the blind man can't see anything and let him in, at which time the man says "Nice tits sisters, where do you want these blinds?"
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evelyyyn
Member
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# Posted: 9 May 2005 23:54
Teacher: "Name two pronouns."
Pupil: "Who, me?"
Professor: "Young man, are you the teacher of this class?"
Student: "No, sir."
Professor: "Then don't talk like an idiot!"
- I want to tell you a hair-raising story.
- You're wasting your time. I'm bald.
A couple is at the hotel, where they want to spend their holidays. The man is very, very mean. He says to the manager, 'This room is very expensive.' 'Well you see sir,' says the manager, 'It is $10 extra for a room overlooking the sea', 'Tell you what' says the man, 'I promise I won't look!'
A man says to the doctor , 'I can't go on. Everybody thinks that I'm a liar.' 'Get away', says the doctor. 'I don't believe you.'
The teacher says: "Today we will review our tenses. Now, if I say >I'm beautiful< what tense is that?"
A student replies: "Obviously the past tense."
Two dog owners are arguing about which of their dogs is smarter.
First woman: "My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around, and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me."
Second woman: "I know."
First woman: "How?"
Second woman: "My dog told me."
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a full check-up. Afterwards, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says "You are dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks, "ten what? months? weeks? What?!"
The doctor interrupts , "Nine...Eight..."
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pako
Admin
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# Posted: 10 May 2005 22:47
One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class.
He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
"Well, hello there sir. So you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked.
The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."
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Guest
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# Posted: 6 Jun 2005 08:26
A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
"I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."
She then asked little Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great
pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT."
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Paula Juergens
Member
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# Posted: 12 Jun 2005 09:00
Subject: Bad Ass Cowboys
THREE COWBOYS ARE SITTING AROUND THE CAMPFIRE OUT ON THE LONESOME PRAIRIE; EACH WITH THE BRAVADO FOR WHICH HE IS FAMOUS...A NIGHT OF TALL TALES.
THE GUY FROM MONTANA SAYS, "I MUST BE THE STRONGEST, MEANEST, TOUGHEST COWBOY THERE IS.
WHY, JUST THE OTHER DAY, A BULL GOT LOOSE IN THE CORRAL. IT HAD GORED SIX MEN BEFORE I WRESTLED IT TO THE GROUND BY THE HORNS WITH MY BARE HANDS AND CASTRATED THAT SUCKER WITH MY TEETH."
THE GUY FROM COLORADO COULDN'T STAND TO BE BESTED. THAT'S NOTHING, "I WAS WALKING DOWN THE TRAIL YESTERDAY AND A FIFTEEN FOOT RATTLER SLID OUT FROM UNDER A ROCK AND MADE A MOVE FOR ME. I GRABBED THAT BASTARD WITH MY BARE HANDS, BIT IT'S HEAD OFF AND SUCKED THE POISON DOWN IN ONE GULP AND I'M STILL HERE TODAY."
THE COWBOY FROM WASHINGTON REMAINED SILENT AS HE SLOWLY STIRRED THE CAMPFIRE COALS WITH HIS PECKER.
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Paula Juergens
Member
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# Posted: 12 Jun 2005 09:13
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the
limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive when I was cardinal, and since I'm now the pope, I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And
what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the
Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope
climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the
airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop
approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"
No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
Chief: "Governor?"
Cop: "Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop: "I think it's God!"
Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"
Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"
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pako
Admin
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# Posted: 24 Jun 2005 16:41
Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.
"I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one.
"I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second.
"I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."
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Guest
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# Posted: 24 Jun 2005 16:55
A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags and he asks, "Where are you going?" he asked.
"To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men who will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free!"
The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.
"Going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you'll live on $800 a year!"
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Guest
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# Posted: 21 May 2006 14:03
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"
The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
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atomic
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# Posted: 25 May 2006 11:05
So, a sailor walks into a bar. Everything is normal about him, except his head is the size of a tangerine. The bartender asks, "Why is your head the size of a tangerine??" and the sailor tells this story:
"Well, I was sailing one day when our vessel went through serious storm. The ship was totally scrapped, and I was the only survivor. I made my way to a small island. I was there for months, finding food, shelter and water as well as I could. One day, while fishing, I saw a mermaid. I know you dont think that mermaids exist, but this one was as real as ever. Well, she told me that I looked like I was is a bind, and she offered me one wish. I said to her: "I've been here on this island for months now, all by myself, and what I'd really love would be to have sex with you." and she said, "That is something that I cannot do, seeing as the lower half of my body is a fish" so I said, "How about a little head?"
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Guest
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# Posted: 15 Jun 2006 22:27
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''
The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?''
''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady.
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Guest
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# Posted: 15 Nov 2006 19:18
One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.
"What's wrong dearest??" asked the confused husband.
"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bedm, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do???"
"Well," replied the man...
"I guess a spanking is out of the question?"
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